Here’s How We Can Disagree Better

Episode 20 of the Building Bridges To Common Ground Series
A 4-minute read

Here’s something worth thinking about: What does “building bridges to common ground” actually look like? You might assume it would have to mean getting polarized groups of people to somehow agree with each other. But the reality is, that’s probably not even possible.

Instead of shooting for agreement, we should focus on how we can “disagree better”. As Utah Governor Spencer Cox put it, “Unity is not thinking the same things, it is acting together.” Because if we can’t get to the joint action stage, we stay in a state of near gridlock and spend most of our time and energy battling with each other. It’s time we focused on outcomes–-meaning what’s for the common good–-instead of who wins and who loses. But how do we move in that direction?

Step 1: Stop Doing What Doesn’t Work

Einstein supposedly said that “the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results”. Yet that’s exactly what most of us do in difficult conversations—we argue, we lecture, we present facts, we get frustrated when nothing changes, and then we do it all over again. We think that if we do that hard enough and long enough, we’ll eventually win people over.

But as we explored in some of my previous posts, facts alone rarely change minds. Continuing to treat every disagreement as tribal warfare isn’t working. Trying to win arguments usually just makes things worse.

So what does work?

The Foundation: Curiosity, Respect and Mattering

Maintaining curiosity and simple respect is an absolute necessity. Not just to be nice (although there’s nothing wrong with being kind), but because we are genuinely interested in understanding how someone else sees the world. If we can’t get to that point, it will be impossible to find common ground. This can be especially difficult when we’re emotionally attached to our own point of view. It’s hard to keep from judging people who disagree with us–-that’s just part of our human nature. But we need to learn how to work through that.

Showing curiosity and respect is also essential for making other people feel like they matter. When people feel dismissed or unseen, their Lizard Brain kicks into defensive mode—they either pull away or dig in harder (the “fight or flight” response). But when they feel heard and valued, even if you disagree with them, they’re more likely to stay engaged in the conversation.

Practical Techniques That Actually Work

There are also a number of concrete approaches that have been shown to lead to “better disagreement” and, ultimately, more constructive outcomes.

Braver Angels, an organization dedicated to bridging political divides, offers these basic ground rules for having difficult conversations:

We are here to understand others and explain our views, not to convince anyone to change their mind
We will speak for ourselves (use “I” statements) and try not to represent anyone other than ourselves
We will follow respectful meeting etiquette and bring our best selves to difficult conversations

Another helpful approach is known as The LAPP Technique:

Listen to understand, not reload. Consider asking the other person to “tell me more”.
Acknowledge what you heard. Make sure you understand them correctly.
Pivot – Ask whether it’s okay to offer your own views, which may be different than theirs. Get permission. (If you’ve listened well, you’ll probably get it.)
Perspective: Offer your alternate perspective, but avoid communicating that “they’re wrong”.

A few other tips:

Start by asking “Beautiful Questions“–questions designed to reach a shared understanding. Often, these will get them to tell you a meaningful story.
Focus on what the other person cares about–not why they don’t value what you care about. You may find that you have more moral foundations in common than you thought.
Remember that understanding doesn’t require you agree–just that you understand.

These aren’t just polite ideas—they’re practical guardrails that make difficult conversations possible. Without laying this groundwork, our chances of reaching common ground are meager.

Acting Together

These techniques work—when both people are willing to use them. But let’s be realistic: some people on both sides of the political divide are permanently unreachable. Not everyone wants to “disagree better”. That’s reality.

Our tribal loyalties often overshadow our commitment to truth or problem-solving. We may choose our side over shared solutions. But most people aren’t extremists. Most Americans are tired of hyperpartisanship and gridlock. Most want to solve actual problems rather than just score points for their team.

We need to remember that we truly are all in this together. We can keep tearing each other apart, or we can learn to act together even when we have different views on things. And we know how to do this–most of us do it in the workplace almost every day. At work, we figure it out because we have to.

Polarization is making us miserable, destroying relationships, and preventing us from solving critical problems. We can do better. The question is: will we?

What’s one conversation you could approach differently? What’s one relationship worth repairing by learning to disagree better?

For more on How We Can Disagree Better:

Link to a related Building Bridges post: 6 Expectations To Abandon Before Your Next Difficult Conversation
Find an active Braver Angels Alliance near you
Braver Angels offers free online skill-development courses, including Skills For Bridging The Divide
Join the Disagree Better Movement, which helps Americans learn that conflict can be healthy–if it’s done right.
From the National Governor’s Association, well worth 3 minutes of your time: