The Art of Persuasion: Can You Really Change Someone Else’s Mind?

Episode 19 of the Building Bridges Series
A 4-minute read

Think about the last time you tried to change someone’s mind about something important: a family member’s political beliefs; a co-worker’s opinion about the best way to do something; a housemate’s decorating preferences; a teenager’s attitude toward schoolwork.

We often approach disagreements convinced that if we just present the right facts or construct a sensible, logical argument, we’ll finally get through. But as we’ve explored throughout this series, human minds don’t work that way.

Why Changing Minds Is So Hard

Remember our discussion about the Lizard Brain and Wizard Brain? When we’re presented with information that challenges our deeply held beliefs, our emotional brain kicks into high gear. Our frontal lobes—the rational thinking part—can actually shut down when emotions run high.

And when your beliefs are entwined with your identity, changing your mind means changing part of your identity. That’s a really hard sell.

We don’t mind being wrong about minor facts—like whether chewing gum really takes seven years to digest (sorry…you’ll have to look that up yourself later!). But when beliefs are intertwined with our identity, our instinct is to dig in. The backfire effect means that presenting facts against someone’s strong beliefs can actually send the brain into defense mode, making them more stubborn. Changing minds isn’t just about facts; it’s also about navigating emotions.

The Power of Story Over Statistics

Here’s the key: it’s difficult to change a mind once someone believes something, unless you can introduce a new narrative—not just a fact. It has to be an alternate story. You must give them an opportunity to replace their current understanding with a new, plausible story. Otherwise, people will revert to the original narrative that is more comfortable.

Years ago I overheard this advice at a real estate sales seminar: “Counter emotion with fact, and fact with emotion.” Worried about neighborhood crime? Share facts about increased police presence. Concerned that the price of the house is a little beyond their budget? Remind them what a great place this would be to raise their kids. That’s just one example of how someone can influence our mind to look at something in a different way.

What Actually Works

So if direct argument rarely works, what does? Here are approaches to how we can help someone open up to your perspective:

Be curious. Actively asking questions about people’s beliefs and the reasons they hold those views leads them to lower their defenses, making them considerably more receptive to alternative opinions. This is far more effective than telling them they’re wrong.

Share personal experiences. Stories about how you arrived at your current beliefs make you more relatable and your perspective more understandable. As we explored earlier, stories beat facts almost every time.

Show respect and civility. Research shows that rude behavior is far more likely to alienate the person you wish to persuade than change their opinion. It may even disaffect people who were already coming around to your point of view.

Check your own certainty. As one researcher suggests, “Ask yourself, ‘What fact would change one of my strongly held opinions?’ If the answer is ‘no fact would change my opinion,’ then you’re already in trouble.”

The folks at Palo Alto’s Institute for the Future advise people to have “strong opinions, which are weakly held.” Hold your views with conviction, but remain open to evidence that might challenge them. It is always possible that the other person knows something that you don’t.

The Big Question

Our brain’s chemical responses make the task of changing minds a complex challenge.

Seth Godin puts it this way: “We navigate the world with stories, beliefs and assumptions. And the people you’re trying to persuade have a different set of all three than you do. “If I were you…” is a hard sentence to sell, because you’re not me.” A convincing argument works when the recipient is convinced, not you.

One thing that doesn’t work: fighting harder. That’s exactly how we got to our current state of polarization and gridlock.

So can you really change someone else’s thinking? Sometimes, yes—but probably not in the way you imagine. You’re unlikely to “win” an argument through superior logic or more compelling facts. But you might plant a seed of doubt. You might introduce a new story that resonates. You might model the kind of curiosity and openness that invites them to be interested in your ideas, as well.

If you want to change others’ opinions, first make sure you’re willing to change yours, too. Otherwise, you’re not really having a conversation—you’re just waiting for your turn to lecture.

Up Next:
“Moving Forward: How We Can Get Better At Disagreeing ”